When Kevin and I got married I weighed 115 pounds. I had never been over 120 in my life. But the past couple years have done a number on my body.
I really can't even blame it on being pregnant. I only gained about 10 pounds with Byron. But after I had him, I gained more weight and by the time I was pregnant for the third time I was at like.. 145. I actually lost 3 pounds when I was pregnant with Bella. Then after I had her I gained almost 20 pounds and got up to 163.
How in the world did this happen? I feel like I went to bed one night and woke up the next morning 40 pounds heavier. I really don't remember ever lying around depressed eating a lot but man, I must have. I can't think of any other reason I would've gained so much weight!
I've been trying so hard to lose it, at least some of it and I'm really not having any luck. I'm down to 156.6 so I have lost some weight, about 7 pounds, but it's so far away from where I want to be. I can't believe losing weight is so hard.
My goal is to be down to at least 130 by the summer.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Something new for 2011.
I'm starting this with hope and good intentions. Hope that it will be something positive for me and the intentions of giving myself an outlet. Hopefully, I will commit to actually writing in this - at the very least when I feel like I need to vent about something.
I have a bad habit of holding everything inside. I talk to people, but never about what I am really feeling. I end up walking around with my chest hurting and a lump in my throat some days because all I want to do is cry. So, I guess, it's time for me to take things into my own hands. To figure out a way to make myself feel better and to find a healthy way to let all my emotions out. So I'm going to start from the beginning.. I've never really done this. Completely opened up and let it all out, so now, I will try.
Growing up, I will admit, I never really dreamed of being a mother. When I was teenager I wasn't concerned with having sex and having babies. I personally think that's a good thing. I was more concerned with my friends, music and my job. Once I got married, I knew I'd want to have a family some day, but we never really talked about it. Then, I found out I was pregnant. It was July of 2008. I hadn't even realized I had missed my period. Kevin and I had just moved into a new house. I'd been feeling sick but I guess I was so busy packing and unpacking that I didn't put things together. My mom was the one who actually suggested I take a pregnancy test. If she hadn't, I don't know how much longer I would've went before I took one. Sure enough, it was positive, I was almost 8 weeks. I was excited, but really nervous. I had no idea what to expect. Then, I had my first ultrasound and I fell in love. I fought back tears as I watched my little baby, who was probably the size of a peanut move around on the screen. His heartbeat was 170bpm. I couldn't believe there was a human life growing inside of me and at that moment, I felt so blessed.
At 10 weeks, we had a scare. I began bleeding heavily one day while I was laying on the couch. We rushed to the ER where we were basically told they didn't know anything and to wait for my OB appointment the next day. They did an ultrasound and to my surprise, our baby was just fine. He was very active and his heartbeat was 160. They did not know where the bleed came from and it resolved on it's own. My next ultrasound was scheduled for 21 weeks, which seemed to far away to me, but the doctor said that is normal for first pregnancies. I had an appointment when I was somewhere in between 16-17 weeks just for blood work. I remember telling my doctor I had been feeling a lot of pressure. She told me not to worry about it and it was just because my body was stretching. A week later, I went into labor.
I was sitting on the couch and I got a sharp pain in my stomach. I told Kevin we needed to go to the hospital. When we got there, I really wasn't sure that I was in labor. I was in so much pain and I just wanted it to stop. We finally got called back 5 hours after we first arrived. What a joke! The doctor that came in the room was so rude. He asked me what was going on, I told him I thought I was in labor. His response was "This is your first pregnancy, how would you know?" He left the room and said he'd be back. I got up to pee. When I sat back down on the bed I started bleeding. The doctor came back in the room and he said he wanted to check for bleeding.. good timing I guess. I told him I had just started so he did an exam. His exact words were 'You're going to lose this baby.' He didn't say I'm sorry, or I hate to tell you this. No sympathy at all. He just broke my heart and he wasn't even nice about it. I started screaming. I don't even remember what I was yelling but I was hysterical, screaming and crying. My husband was yelling at the doctor, asking him why he had to say it to me like that and demanding someone else come in. They found us a new doctor.
Dr. Sayles came in and did an ultrasound. The first time we got to get a good look at our baby. We found out we were having a boy and that instead of being 17 weeks like I thought, I was closer to 19-20. Our son was doing fine, his heartbeat was strong and he was active. They just needed to stop my contractions. The first medication made me stop breathing and that was when I was moved to Labor and Delivery. They put me in the bed, upside down, which believe me is not comfortable. They told me I was not allowed to get up for any reason, so eating was limited and they gave me a catheter so I could at least pee. They started two medications to stop labor and things seemed to get better. The first day went by with no contractions and things seemed to be looking up. Then the second day, everything went down hill. My back starting hurting so bad I was screaming. They gave me some pain medication and I tossed and turned from side to side for hours. Then, the contractions started. Kevin got Dr. Sayles and he came in to do an ultrasound. Kevin told me not to look, so I didn't. The Dr. told us he was very sorry but there was nothing more they could no. Our sons head was the only thing left in my uterus and they could not stop delivery. The doctor left the room to get what he needed for delivery, but he didn't make it back in time. With only myself and my husband in the room, our son was born. Things happened so quickly.. my water broke and there he was. A beautiful baby boy. Kicking and moving and so full of life. The doctors came in and wrapped him up and handed him to me. I watched his tiny chest rise and fall over and over again. All I could do was cry and stare at him. I wanted to memorize everything about him, so I'd never forget. We even had a moment of laughter when I lifted his umbilical cord clamp and we discovered it was VERY obvious he was a boy! This moment was captured by a Chaplin who was taking pictures. I am so grateful for this - a memory of us with him where we look happy. And then, it all stopped. His chest fell and it did not rise. I couldn't let him go. I held him for hours after he died. I knew if I let him go it would all seem real. That my son had just died while I was holding him and I'd never have him back. It took me about 4 hours before I forced myself to let them take him away. My world ended and how do you prepare yourself for that? I don't think you can. Nothing can prepare you to watch your child die. It's heart breaking and too painful for words. All I can do is hope that while he was on this earth he felt my love and heard my voice. One of my husbands friends came to the hospital to see him and I will forever be so grateful for that because he is the ONLY person that wanted to see our son, that wanted to be there for us during the most painful time in our lives. You don't find friends like that often. Byron Matthew Cannon was born on October 10th 2008 at 4:50pm. He weighed 1/2 of a pound and was 7 1/2 inches tall. He died at 5:12pm that same day.
Going home was weird. It just didn't feel right. You go to the hospital and deliver a baby and leave with nothing. How fair is that? But I guess that's why they say life isn't fair. And the truth is, life goes on. Even when you feel like your life is ending, things keep moving and you can either keep up on completely fall behind. I think I did a pretty good job keeping up.
8 months later, I found out I was pregnant again. A week after finding out, I had a miscarriage. Kevin got home from CAX in July and we decided to try for a third. It didn't take long at all. September 5th, I found I was pregnant. The doctors told us they would do their best to watch things closely this time, so hopefully the end result would be good. I was seen once a week by one doctor and once every two weeks by another. It was so exciting getting so many ultrasounds. I had one every week starting at week 7. It made bonding impossible. Watching my baby grow and suck her thumb, it was so exciting for me. I really thought this would be the one.. third time was a charm and at the end of this pregnancy I would be going home with a baby.
I was wrong. On December 5th, I went into labor. This time I wasn't clueless. I knew what was happening and I tried to prepare myself for it. Kevin was out of town and was rushing to meet me so two great friends met me at the hospital until he could get there. They kept telling me everything was fine.. I knew it wasn't. We got called back and the same doctor came in the room that had seen me with my son. Now if that wasn't a bad sign I don't know what would've been! Kevin made it right after the doctor came in and they made everyone leave the room except Kevin. This was the moment of truth, time for the exam to let us know what was happening. This time, all the doctor said was 'Oh, No" Before I knew it they were running with me to L&D. I couldn't even keep my eyes open because everything looked like it was spinning and it was making me sick. When we got there, they did an ultrasound and doctors determined they could not stop my labor. I was progressing too quickly. 9 hours after arriving at the hospital, it was time to push. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Knowing if I pushed, she would be born and she would die but I had no other choice. Our daughter was born at 2:07am on December 6th. Her brain hemorrhaged while I was pushing and she died. It killed me.. knowing she was in pain. We named her Isabella Madison and she was absolutely perfect. Letting go was a little easier this time, because I knew I had too. But it still hurt like hell.
And now - what am I left with? A bunch of endless questions with empty answers. I have pictures and memories but I would much rather have my children. Life doesn't come with a time machine or a rewind button, unfortunately.
I'm thankful for the people who have been there for me. It's hard to forgive the people who haven't. The people who somehow seem to think that because I wasn't 40 weeks pregnant my children were somehow less of a person. Which is just stupid to me and I don't understand how people can be so ignorant and insensitive. But.. everyone is different and I am happy that I have my husband, my friends and some of my family who have supported.
So that's it, it's all out. And I wrote all this without crying, which is a huge step. And whether one person reads this or 100 people read this, I think it's good I got it all out.
I have a bad habit of holding everything inside. I talk to people, but never about what I am really feeling. I end up walking around with my chest hurting and a lump in my throat some days because all I want to do is cry. So, I guess, it's time for me to take things into my own hands. To figure out a way to make myself feel better and to find a healthy way to let all my emotions out. So I'm going to start from the beginning.. I've never really done this. Completely opened up and let it all out, so now, I will try.
Growing up, I will admit, I never really dreamed of being a mother. When I was teenager I wasn't concerned with having sex and having babies. I personally think that's a good thing. I was more concerned with my friends, music and my job. Once I got married, I knew I'd want to have a family some day, but we never really talked about it. Then, I found out I was pregnant. It was July of 2008. I hadn't even realized I had missed my period. Kevin and I had just moved into a new house. I'd been feeling sick but I guess I was so busy packing and unpacking that I didn't put things together. My mom was the one who actually suggested I take a pregnancy test. If she hadn't, I don't know how much longer I would've went before I took one. Sure enough, it was positive, I was almost 8 weeks. I was excited, but really nervous. I had no idea what to expect. Then, I had my first ultrasound and I fell in love. I fought back tears as I watched my little baby, who was probably the size of a peanut move around on the screen. His heartbeat was 170bpm. I couldn't believe there was a human life growing inside of me and at that moment, I felt so blessed.
At 10 weeks, we had a scare. I began bleeding heavily one day while I was laying on the couch. We rushed to the ER where we were basically told they didn't know anything and to wait for my OB appointment the next day. They did an ultrasound and to my surprise, our baby was just fine. He was very active and his heartbeat was 160. They did not know where the bleed came from and it resolved on it's own. My next ultrasound was scheduled for 21 weeks, which seemed to far away to me, but the doctor said that is normal for first pregnancies. I had an appointment when I was somewhere in between 16-17 weeks just for blood work. I remember telling my doctor I had been feeling a lot of pressure. She told me not to worry about it and it was just because my body was stretching. A week later, I went into labor.
I was sitting on the couch and I got a sharp pain in my stomach. I told Kevin we needed to go to the hospital. When we got there, I really wasn't sure that I was in labor. I was in so much pain and I just wanted it to stop. We finally got called back 5 hours after we first arrived. What a joke! The doctor that came in the room was so rude. He asked me what was going on, I told him I thought I was in labor. His response was "This is your first pregnancy, how would you know?" He left the room and said he'd be back. I got up to pee. When I sat back down on the bed I started bleeding. The doctor came back in the room and he said he wanted to check for bleeding.. good timing I guess. I told him I had just started so he did an exam. His exact words were 'You're going to lose this baby.' He didn't say I'm sorry, or I hate to tell you this. No sympathy at all. He just broke my heart and he wasn't even nice about it. I started screaming. I don't even remember what I was yelling but I was hysterical, screaming and crying. My husband was yelling at the doctor, asking him why he had to say it to me like that and demanding someone else come in. They found us a new doctor.
Dr. Sayles came in and did an ultrasound. The first time we got to get a good look at our baby. We found out we were having a boy and that instead of being 17 weeks like I thought, I was closer to 19-20. Our son was doing fine, his heartbeat was strong and he was active. They just needed to stop my contractions. The first medication made me stop breathing and that was when I was moved to Labor and Delivery. They put me in the bed, upside down, which believe me is not comfortable. They told me I was not allowed to get up for any reason, so eating was limited and they gave me a catheter so I could at least pee. They started two medications to stop labor and things seemed to get better. The first day went by with no contractions and things seemed to be looking up. Then the second day, everything went down hill. My back starting hurting so bad I was screaming. They gave me some pain medication and I tossed and turned from side to side for hours. Then, the contractions started. Kevin got Dr. Sayles and he came in to do an ultrasound. Kevin told me not to look, so I didn't. The Dr. told us he was very sorry but there was nothing more they could no. Our sons head was the only thing left in my uterus and they could not stop delivery. The doctor left the room to get what he needed for delivery, but he didn't make it back in time. With only myself and my husband in the room, our son was born. Things happened so quickly.. my water broke and there he was. A beautiful baby boy. Kicking and moving and so full of life. The doctors came in and wrapped him up and handed him to me. I watched his tiny chest rise and fall over and over again. All I could do was cry and stare at him. I wanted to memorize everything about him, so I'd never forget. We even had a moment of laughter when I lifted his umbilical cord clamp and we discovered it was VERY obvious he was a boy! This moment was captured by a Chaplin who was taking pictures. I am so grateful for this - a memory of us with him where we look happy. And then, it all stopped. His chest fell and it did not rise. I couldn't let him go. I held him for hours after he died. I knew if I let him go it would all seem real. That my son had just died while I was holding him and I'd never have him back. It took me about 4 hours before I forced myself to let them take him away. My world ended and how do you prepare yourself for that? I don't think you can. Nothing can prepare you to watch your child die. It's heart breaking and too painful for words. All I can do is hope that while he was on this earth he felt my love and heard my voice. One of my husbands friends came to the hospital to see him and I will forever be so grateful for that because he is the ONLY person that wanted to see our son, that wanted to be there for us during the most painful time in our lives. You don't find friends like that often. Byron Matthew Cannon was born on October 10th 2008 at 4:50pm. He weighed 1/2 of a pound and was 7 1/2 inches tall. He died at 5:12pm that same day.
Going home was weird. It just didn't feel right. You go to the hospital and deliver a baby and leave with nothing. How fair is that? But I guess that's why they say life isn't fair. And the truth is, life goes on. Even when you feel like your life is ending, things keep moving and you can either keep up on completely fall behind. I think I did a pretty good job keeping up.
8 months later, I found out I was pregnant again. A week after finding out, I had a miscarriage. Kevin got home from CAX in July and we decided to try for a third. It didn't take long at all. September 5th, I found I was pregnant. The doctors told us they would do their best to watch things closely this time, so hopefully the end result would be good. I was seen once a week by one doctor and once every two weeks by another. It was so exciting getting so many ultrasounds. I had one every week starting at week 7. It made bonding impossible. Watching my baby grow and suck her thumb, it was so exciting for me. I really thought this would be the one.. third time was a charm and at the end of this pregnancy I would be going home with a baby.
I was wrong. On December 5th, I went into labor. This time I wasn't clueless. I knew what was happening and I tried to prepare myself for it. Kevin was out of town and was rushing to meet me so two great friends met me at the hospital until he could get there. They kept telling me everything was fine.. I knew it wasn't. We got called back and the same doctor came in the room that had seen me with my son. Now if that wasn't a bad sign I don't know what would've been! Kevin made it right after the doctor came in and they made everyone leave the room except Kevin. This was the moment of truth, time for the exam to let us know what was happening. This time, all the doctor said was 'Oh, No" Before I knew it they were running with me to L&D. I couldn't even keep my eyes open because everything looked like it was spinning and it was making me sick. When we got there, they did an ultrasound and doctors determined they could not stop my labor. I was progressing too quickly. 9 hours after arriving at the hospital, it was time to push. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Knowing if I pushed, she would be born and she would die but I had no other choice. Our daughter was born at 2:07am on December 6th. Her brain hemorrhaged while I was pushing and she died. It killed me.. knowing she was in pain. We named her Isabella Madison and she was absolutely perfect. Letting go was a little easier this time, because I knew I had too. But it still hurt like hell.
And now - what am I left with? A bunch of endless questions with empty answers. I have pictures and memories but I would much rather have my children. Life doesn't come with a time machine or a rewind button, unfortunately.
I'm thankful for the people who have been there for me. It's hard to forgive the people who haven't. The people who somehow seem to think that because I wasn't 40 weeks pregnant my children were somehow less of a person. Which is just stupid to me and I don't understand how people can be so ignorant and insensitive. But.. everyone is different and I am happy that I have my husband, my friends and some of my family who have supported.
So that's it, it's all out. And I wrote all this without crying, which is a huge step. And whether one person reads this or 100 people read this, I think it's good I got it all out.
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